Good evening!!
Been home from work for a few hours now, had some snacks for dinner. Really not that hungry today, or I may just be too lazy to cook. The winter storm that the weather guy has been promising is coming to pass now....horizontal snow.
I feel a bit melancholy tonight as I keep having these thoughts about how it is in my mind and heart that I would never want to be responsible for the pain or hurt feelings of another person, and yet, it seems when I think about it closely, that my life has brought pain to many.
And now I wonder....this is not a new thought of mine, but I wonder if the very act of living, of being, means hurting someone else? Whether intentional or by pure accident, do my words and actions somewhere somehow bring another to feel badly about themselves, and how many times have I acted selflishly and put my own well-being before I thought of somebody else?
I think about the end of my last marriage and I sometimes am surprised about how callous and un-feeling I was back then. I knew the marriage had to end, but I often feel so badly about the amount of hurt I did cause my ex-wife and children. We have all found happiness again, but I hope to never bring that sort of burden to anyone else ever again.
This has been a time of deep soul searching for me. The "me" I think I am and the "me" I really am get into a time of confessions and troubling inner dialogue, and when I see clearly that my thoughts, words , and actions really do affect the world and people around me, then I can start to change and BE the person I think I am.
I think I am a loving, patient and kind person, but I know I am also a person with a sharp tongue and sometimes not enough patience. Those 2 things equal the ability to hurt another with words very quickly.
So, this is what is on my mind lately, and this has been the real cause of my restlessness and "boredom" I know that I need to work harder on my true being to bring a little more peace into the world......it's the hardest thing I will ever do.
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